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I will surprise you sometime. I'll come around when you're down. [entries|friends|calendar]
the ghost in your bed

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tralalala [02 Mar 2005|06:02pm]
[ mood | artistic ]

I get bored easily, especially with names.


New LJ - -



add me now...or else!

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i'll see you in another place... [28 Feb 2005|07:16pm]
[ mood | curious ]

So, I just got my acceptance letter to the University of Toledo.

Go me...I guess. I'm glad...but not that excited. Hmm. Oh well. Just one more step as I walk away from high school.

8 comments|post comment

decimals fuck with me [27 Feb 2005|03:00pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

another long night (but again, in a good way)...Collapse )

15 comments|post comment

the person falling here is me... [27 Feb 2005|12:49pm]
[ mood | tired ]


feels like so long ago...Collapse )

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thinking too much can drive you crazy [24 Feb 2005|12:13am]
[ mood | indescribable ]


at coffee hellCollapse )

3 comments|post comment

2+2=5 [23 Feb 2005|01:02am]
[ mood | worried ]

could someone tell me please, what is best for washing down vomit and shame?

10 comments|post comment

its about time that i came clean with you [22 Feb 2005|06:43am]
[ mood | busy ]

i am such a fool

It's about time that I came clean with you
I'm no longer fine, I'm no longer running smooth
I thought that I found myself under something new
Just one more line I repeat over and over again
'Till I'm blue in the face with a choking regret
Because I talk in circles 'round you on my bed
Can't say I blame you one bit when you kept it all inside
When you left that night

It's about time that you got sick of me
No longer fun, and so far from interesting
I thought that I found me a cure for feeling old
Just one more line to keep me sleeping loudly and cold
In disgrace with a shameful regret
As I talk in tongues to myself in my bed
Can't say I blame you one bit when you kept it all inside
When you left that night

And all that followed fell like mercury to hell
Somehow we lost our heads for the last time
And all that followed fell like mercury to hell
Somehow we lost our heads for the last time

And I don't dream since I quit sleeping
And I haven't slept since I met you
And you can't breathe without coughing at daytime
And neither can I
So what do you say?
Your coffin, or mine?
-alkaline trio

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can't you see the wall you've built for me? [21 Feb 2005|03:40pm]
[ mood | sad ]

i've never been good with spoken words...

Ever so sweet...
you make this seem
the way things go
its not my fault
and i'll miss
i'll miss you so good
through all of those nights
we lost our way back home

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I just can't look...its killing me [20 Feb 2005|09:43pm]
[ mood | confused ]

It's Sunday. I don't have school tomorrow. This weekend was, well, lets not say dissappointing because I wasn't expecting anything great...this weekend was fairly...well, wait, I was going to say dull, but it hasn't been that either for personal, emotional reasons and a particular situation...this weekend was...oh, what is the adjective I should use...hmmm...uninspiring? stagnant? despondent? It doesn't matter. I am going to sleep and then try to find something to do tomorrow during the day. I would prefer to not sit at home...though I do keep telling myself to work on things, like reading, writing and arithemetic.

Ok, cut out the arithemetic. I hate math.

But yeah...reading, definatley...and well, sometimes I write stories. I don't know why I feel like posting this...

It's just too long to read. I promise.Collapse )

7 comments|post comment

[18 Feb 2005|06:47am]
[ mood | sad ]

no sleep and no filled script makes Lisa a sad, sleepy girl.


pray that i make it through the school day without becoming unconscious.

4 comments|post comment

main title [17 Feb 2005|12:59am]
[ mood | i don't know ]

Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating.

In a little more than the last twenty-four hours, the good memories of him have come rushing back...and I've felt sadness in that I cannot be myself to him anymore. I have missed him. He used to make me smile...And reading what I just wrote, I want to step outside my body and smack myself across the face, hard.

This is so unhealthy. I'd really just like to erase it all.

You can erase someone from your mind. Getting them out of your heart is another story.

I realize what I need to do is force myself to stay away. I need to look at what I have, not what I had and take joy in the new happiness that has taken up residence inside me. It is there...I know it. I just lose track of it sometimes. Pathetic as it may sound, I cannot be alone too long. I don't like to admit that, but it's true. I need people. There is nothing to do but call it fact and shrug off judgement.

I could never be a hermit. ::shrugs::

Blessed are the forgetful, for they get the better even of their blunders.

I am being cryptic and melodramatic. I am being childish and immature. I should just go to bed and stop thinking. I should go to bed and wake up and go to school. Then I hope to spend time away from my home...it is here that I seem to wallow in my thoughts the most.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd

Okay. After taking more than an hour to write this...I've realized it's all stupid and pointless and that I need to grow up, move on and be happy for what I have. I love my friends right now. I don't tell them that enough. I'm glad to be friends with them and I want to spend more time with them. ::loves::

::loves this too:: isn't it cute?

10 comments|post comment

[15 Feb 2005|05:16pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

I had one of those dumb quizzes in an entry earlier. I deleted it. don't know why I do these stupid quizzes...to waste time I suppose. I waste a lot of time. Oh well. I tried to think less today...or at least think less negatively. Mind you, I didn't try to think more positive things, just less negative ones. It's two different things, I promise. I also tried to be productive today. I worked on selecting photographs of mine to submit to a number of shows. I can submit 5 pieces to the Ohio Governer's Show, possibly one to a show for the Toledo public library and an unlimited number to a show for the Photo Arts Club show at Secor Metroparks. I have to get prints made though, on actual photo paper, rather than computer paper so I hope to do that tonight. And I hope to get oil for my car. I also need to get my sister a birthday present. She turns nineteen on Sunday. I am unsure what to get her though, especially since I've hardly actually talked to her in about the last two months. Hmm. We'll see.

I worry too much about things that I shouldn't...and perhaps not enough about things I should. I worry that I worry too much. I worry that I don't worry enough. I am a walking contradiction at times. Someone smack me, please. 

So, these are some of what I'm thinking of submitting to different shows...I'm very apprehensive about doing this. : (

and the rest...Collapse )

7 comments|post comment

[14 Feb 2005|04:55pm]
[ mood | lonely and wretched ]

I've been thinking too much today. It hasn't been a good day. Lost inside my thoughts, I wonder sometimes what life would be like if I lost my memory. Not only the memories I have now, but also the ability to retain any new ones. Would this be a good thing or bad? That really depends upon which memories I think about losing. I would lose them all, but would it be so bad to not remember the terrible things? Maybe it would. Sometimes memories are all I have. Once an event is over, from the mundane to the monumental, there is rarely more to show for it than what is remembered. Perhaps a good feeling or a lesson learned. Without memories, could there possibly be any meaning to the things we do each day? Could there possibly be any meaning to life? But to ask that second question is to assume that there is any meaning to our lives in the first place. I can't say if there is or isn't. Maybe we're are all just here, then we die, then that's it. There is no point, no great deeper meaning, no heaven, no hell, no afterlife at all. Maybe nothing anyone does matters except to them at that moment, and even then, nothing makes a difference. I have no idea what I'm saying anymore. I never do. I get caught up in my thoughts and they begin to overlap one another, making explanation difficult and understanding impossible.

A friend told me the other day that attatchment only causes sadness. Thinking about that in the context it was in at the time, I agree with him. I look at my life and think of things that have happened in the past and some that have happened just recently. I look at the sadness in my life and what the cause was or is. So much relates to attatchment of some form or another, sometimes miniscule and other times seemingly life-changing. I have a tendency to exaggerate. I have a tendency to lie. I have a tendency to repeat myself. I'm lost again. I can't keep my thoughts straight. They weave and intertwine and confuse me as I try to pour them out. I try slowly at first, but as I get going, my thoughts go faster than the words can come out of my fingers into this keyboard or out of my mouth into someone's ear. I miss someone's ear. I had it once or twice. It made me happy. Attatchment. I cannot force anyone into anything. I am not persuasive. I am not forceful. I am not intriguing or interesting enough for them to think what I might want them to on their own.

Perhaps the doctor's suggestion and suspicion was right. My moods are shifting more and more drastically in smaller and smaller amounts of time. The ups scare me as much, if not even more sometimes, than the downs. Or rather the ups confuse me. I've grown used to the opposite, grown used to the despondent half of the polar spectrum, grown used to the voices making loathsome speeches from unseen whereabouts, that though I cannot see them, I know they are resonating from within my mind. The possibilities are greater in my case for the suspicions of my doctor to come true. Family history and my own personality...all the factors weighing in to weigh me down. Maybe its in my head...I hate when people say that though..."it's all in your head"....well of course it's in my head. Everything is really. Where the hell else would anything be? Oh hypochondria, you do so well to keep me company.

After all my incoherent ranting I suppose I will post pictures of the weekend, considering I took some and that doing so sometimes improves my mood. It could most definately stand to be improved.

Saturday night

and here are some moreCollapse )

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butterball boomboom, boomboom, boomboom [13 Feb 2005|04:48am]
[ mood | bouncy ]

I've got ants in my pants and nowhere to dance.

sleepy sleep heads upstairs. awakey awake head downstairs. oh, thats me.

and I will leave you with the words of Tristan Tzara. (Dadaist...very intriguing, let me tell you.)

I destroy the drawers of the brain and of social organization: spread demoralization wherever I go and cast my hand from heaven to hell, my eyes from hell to heaven, restore the fecund wheel of a universal circus to objective forces and the imagination of every individual.
Nothing is more delightful than to confuse and upset people. People one doesn't like. What's the use of giving them explanations that are merely food for curiosity? The truth is that people love nothing but themselves and their little possessions, their income, their dog. This state of affairs derives from a false conception of property. If one is poor in spirit, one possesses a sure and indomitable intelligence, a savage logic, a point of view that can not be shaken. Try to be empty and fill your brain cells with a petty happiness. Always destroy what you have in you. On random walks. Then you will be able to understand many things. You are not more intelligent than we, and we are not more intelligent than you.
What good did the theories of the philosophers do us? Did they help us to take a single step forward or backward? What is forward, what is backward? Did they alter our forms of contentment? We are. We argue, we dispute, we get excited. The rest is sauce. Sometimes pleasant, sometimes mixed with a limitless boredom, a swamp dotted with tufts of dying shrubs.

Dada is a state of mind. That is why it transforms itself according to races and events. Dada applies itself to everything, and yet it is nothing, it is the point where the yes and the no and all the opposites meet, not solemnly in the castles of human philosophies, but very simply at street corners, like dogs and grasshoppers.

Like everything in life, Dada is useless.

Dada is without pretension, as life should be.

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the earth looks better from a star [10 Feb 2005|08:01pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

The two hour delay from school this morning was nice, but I was almost late, again. It would have been the third time this week. I just got 5 merits taken away on Tuesday for being late 5 times this year. I hate that my school does that. Oh well. I'm almost out of there. 16 weeks and 1 day. June 11, 2005. Graduation. Thank god.

I had to deal with something, or rather someone today that I would have prefered not to...melodrama and immaturity...ugh...He always does that to me...talks down to me like I'm a child. I don't know what I was ever thinking. I guess I thought he loved me, and that he was the only one. For some time, he was the only one who really knew me...I thought I could trust him. Not at first, but eventually I really thought I could. I have trouble trusting people at first normally, and sometimes at all. Considering all that happened, I now feel like I had good reason to doubt trusting him.

Hindsight is 20/20.

I'm better off without him in my life. ::sigh:: There's someone I'd much rather spend my time with now. Many people in fact. I have friends I really love being with. But still, I cried. The tears stung. It was not a good cry. I did not feel better from it.

I have succeeded in developing a headache however...but I don't think its from the bad crying. I have been sitting at my computer almost the entire time since I got home from school at 2:45 this afternoon. The headache could very well be from staring at this horrid, glowing screen that I somehow find so entertaining that I can fill up over 5 hours of my time looking at it. I'll spend even more than that here before the night is through.

I need to get out of my house tomorrow. I wish I were out of it right now, but seeing as how I have that pesky eleven o'clock curfew on weeknights, my options for adventure are limited. I should go read a book. If I move though, I'll probably just go to sleep. Or eat. My head is telling my stomach it's hungry because it thinks it has nothing better to do than eat. My stomach wants to listen, because it doesn't have a brain. Stupid tummy.

I felt like taking some pictures today. Yah.

TadaCollapse )

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take it easy...love nothing... [09 Feb 2005|08:31pm]
[ mood | content ]


went to BG...

and of course...

oh look, picturesCollapse )

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and you can tell by the state of my room... [09 Feb 2005|01:52am]
[ mood | tired ]

Tuesday continued

and the aforementioned dinner party


Go on, click...you know you want toCollapse )

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can't you just fix it for me, its gone bersek... [09 Feb 2005|01:27am]
[ mood | tired ]


Had a wedding and a dinner party. (the second of which will be featured in another entry for the veiwers benefit)


Took lots of pictures. Go on, look at them. I dare you.Collapse )

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[06 Feb 2005|11:52am]
[ mood | indifferent ]

I woke up this morning with my right arm bent really weirdly and it was like it was folded up and my hand was tucked into my neck...anyway, it was completely asleep and I couldn't move it at all. I had to pick it up with my left hand and unfold it and straighten it out so it could get blood flowing through it again. It was so weird. I felt like my arm was gone. When I picked it up, it was all jelly-ish and eww gross feeling. Haha.

Sundays are boring. I wish I had slept longer. I don't want to go to school tomorrow.

I like taking pictures when I'm out so that I can remeber things when I'm home and not have to think about how bored I probably am at that moment...like now. ::sigh::

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i've never had a valentine [04 Feb 2005|10:16am]
[ mood | headachey ]

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